I’m sitting on the floor of my walk in closet in my bedroom. I don’t know why I find this space inviting. Sometimes I meditate in here. I think I like the closed in secure feeling, which makes no sense because I have claustrophobia. I remember as a child I loved boxes and closets. I would make little houses out of them. I would decorate them and even sleep and eat in them sometimes. I felt comforted. I felt secure. I felt safe. I used to run and hide in the closet when I felt scared. There were a lot of things to be afraid of back then.
I think when I need comforting I try to recreate that space and feeling. Sometimes I sit on the bathroom floor; sometimes my closet. I feel overwhelmed right now. I’ve said those words to a few people but I don’t think they understand, or maybe they just don’t care what that means for a person like myself. “I feel overwhelmed” in my mind is a loud statement. If I had to describe it I would tell you it’s like those loud red flashing lights with the even louder bold noise. You know the ones I am talking about? No not police sirens. More like the hockey goal red horn light. Only I am not cheering that I have just gotten a goal. I am more like the opposing team who hears and sees the siren and just wishes it would stop. RIGHT NOW!
Feeling overwhelmed for a person like myself is scary. A person like myself who goes to great lengths to live with balance and serenity. A person like myself with anxiety who needs time and routine for the things that bring me joy and peace. I found my balance and my routine not so long ago. I could see how much this contributed to me feeling better than I had in a long time. I felt happy and pure, amazing joy again. It had been years since I felt this good.
Then it changed.
I decided to add to my plate a job working 6.5 hours a day everyday for this summer. On top of managing a very active and interactive Facebook group of 800- Parenting With Anxiety. On top of writing my blogs, finishing my book and doing a weekly podcast. On top of being a wife and mother. On top of being a mental health advocate and monthly live stream presenter. On top of trying to maintain a regular routine of meditating and getting back into my 12 step program.
It’s been only a week. I feel like shit. I have always been the high achieving, overdoing, take on the world kind of person. I recognized how this created unhappiness and I worked hard to change myself. Finding balance is hard. Once you have it, don’t let anything jeopardize it.
I love my job when I’m there. It is amazing and fun, but the timing wasn’t right. My mental health is too important to put anything before it. I’ve learned my lesson. I don’t know how I am going to be able to get through the next 8 weeks. I know my mentors would encourage me to shift focus, create abundance gratitude, and give myself an attitude adjustment. But right now I just want to sit in my closet wishing my life was the same it was two weeks ago.
“If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.” Catherine Aird
Sometimes my blogs are inspiring, sometimes they are a warning. Either way I hope I helped someone today.